To Connect or Not to Connect, THAT is the Question

Cherie Byrd July 2008

Why aren't all lovers bursting full of heart and soul, radiating passionate life force? Why aren't all their days filled with the energy of their beloved sweetly rushing through their bodies as they go their way? Why aren't these luscious souls swooning with enflamed hearts and bodies full of bliss hormones when they are together? I have the great privilege of talking about intimacy with lots of people. I am often heart broken by the number of people who readily acknowledge that their love life is mediocre, at best.

Is your belief that the goal of sex is orgasm? Oh, there is sooo much more. Sex is about amplifying connection with the result of exponentially increasing the energy. This gives us access to "the source" of passion, ecstasy and oneness. There are realms of passionate energy that dwarf the experience of genital orgasm.

Have you mistaken sexual "technique" for passionate connection? Do you feel well connected and truly met by your lover? How often are you fully present and available to connect with them or for that matter, initially with yourself?

Underneath all the technique, the half-hearted gestures of romance, all the fumbling caresses, pecks on the fly and almost hugs, or even the casual enquires about our well being, or the wave across the fence lives a desire, or an intent from one to another to make connection. And yet, how often do you really feel there has been even a breath of meaning or connected oneness in these moments?

If we're paying attention at all, these near-miss connections will actually feel non-nourishing, empty, like eating wax food. We know, inherently, on every level of our being that there is more and so we continue to seek this connection, this nourishing, fulfilling resonance. Some experiences give us a small measure of what we're seeking and still we remain deeply hungry at the same time. Some attempts offer us a slight sense of companionship which is comforting, and yet these, too, often leave us so very hungry for more. More depth, more zing, more abandon, more heart and soul.

Come on baby light my fire....

Why do these semi-connections fall so far from the flames of passion and many times leave us feeling even more depleted and lonely? Why does the tired mom feel that having sex with hubby is just another chore to do? Why do most men feel exhausted after making love? Loving and intimacy ignite us when we first reveal ourselves to each other, when we feel so deeply met. How do we lose that fiery energy?

The flames of passion die because most folk just don't know how to activate and sustain an ever deepening connection. We've even lost an ability to imagine the possibilities. After all, there was no class for creating intimacy in school, our parents were usually unable to model these behaviors, and other than the fantasies of movies, we're left pretty clueless as to the realm of possibilities and how to tap them.

Technologies of Frustration

Most folks are seeking chemistry with another but not activating their own chemicals. We're looking for someone else to do it "to" us. We live in a very co-dependent society in which we think our beloved is supposed to deliver the joy juice to us, ie if we like the way they look in those jeans then we can get turned on by them. If they don't turn us on then we decide that they're somehow not meeting our needs. This is a sad but subtle tone in most relationships.

So what happens for folks when they can't get turned on? They amplify the technique, rub harder, buy more gadgets, try gimmicks, fantasies, plastic wrappings or pain, anything to FEEL more. Some even choose to just shut down. There is little or no attempt to make the energetic connection. No connection leaves the experience flesh limited and you displace your inner power of true connection and aliveness onto the power of the gimmick. The actual Source energy is left untapped, not felt, and not shared. Frustrated. Disappointed. The knowingness that more exists, remains; and it remains unsated, undisturbed, unnudged and untouched.

The truth is most of us don't know how to connect from our inner selves, much less to another being, be they our partner or our children, friends or the wait person at our table.

One of the common versions of dis-connection in our current culture is even called the hook-up. That pretty much tells all, we send our energy out to another and hook their energy for our benefit. We hook up to get our needs met; or to make sure they see us in a particular way. We even engage in disconnected sex to try to feel something, anything. We seek the heartless blow job to relieve stress, cultivate the keep-me-company-so-I-don't-have-to-feel-so-alone companion so I don't have to go deeper into myself and open even wider to you in vulnerability as a person to you, my beloved partner. We settle for so little by giving so little of ourselves.

Connecting means gifting yourself, without fear, without shame. It means gifting your heart, your focus, your presence, your sexual energy, your soul to another, to this moment, to the deed being done, but it does NOT mean giving yourself away. To connect we begin with us, stand in our own energy, get grounded, present, and willing to connect. Our energy radiates in our being but doesn't go jumping into the other person, or hooking them to us. When a person is energetically in this position, and revealing their true self there is an enormous amount of energy that gets activated and is available to share.

When our beloved also has this inner stance and wants to connect from their true self we generate an exponential energy surge together. This amplification happens even just standing still in front of each other gazing into their eyes IF both people are connected to themselves, grounded, and open to reveal themselves, with masks-off. From here energy builds like crazy, to the degree we remain open.

NOW we are talking connected. NOW we are talking intimacy. NOW we are talking the experience you desire to know and share, the one of being connected in love! This can take some practice; for joy, for joy! grin, sigh, moan... It's what Kissing School, Spirit in the Flesh and the Spirit of Sex are all about. They are the permission slip for you and your partner to begin to have an honest, mediated discussion and experience in the safety of a learning zone. Come, join yourself and your partner with us soon.

Blessed be the connected ones!